So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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