My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize