just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
