i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
