I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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