There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
