Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
