peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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