first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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