Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So apparently I’m into choking now
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
