Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
