Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
