Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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