did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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