Soap is not a condiment
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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