Heybabeimwearingurpanties
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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