I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
