He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
