Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
