my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
