chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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