apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
