You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
The air taste purple.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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