I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
