I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
