Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
