i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
How does one acquire holy water?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
