My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
