I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
