3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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