now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
