I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
