tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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