I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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