like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
