When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
