My liver just broke up with me...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize