My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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