I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
