I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
