College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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