my phone needs a breathalizer
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
