$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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