Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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