My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
