I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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