you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
