Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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