I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
