Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
