I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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