I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
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You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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