I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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