I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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