All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
His nipple licking is glorious
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