I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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