Already got asked if we're dating
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
