Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think I won the penis lottery.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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