Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
