Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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