Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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