don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
