your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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