What did we do last night that was yellow?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
