They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize