I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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